What a "babe!" hehe

My baby learned real quick where to look when the camera was pointed at her. Now where did she get that from?! Actually, it's probably more the shape and movement that attract her attention. (She's also pretty into ceiling fans and her mobiles and anything else that moves.) She is so irresistible with those chubbalicious cheeks o'hers. She lights up every moment of my life!


I thought it would be fun to showcase some of her "message" onesies that definitely fit the vibe of The Closet Narcissist. You gotta start ingraining self-confidence when they're young, right? This is all tongue-in-cheek, like all our narcissism, of course. (Does me explaining that take the spark out of it? Hmm.)

Onesie from Auntie Kam #1...

Onesie from Auntie KameraWhore #2. Of course...who else?!!

This one was a gift from Daddy. haha I kept trying to get a picture of her smiling, but I ended up going with this one because it kinda looks like she's got an attitude that goes well with the outfit. ;) She's about 3.5 months old now - I can't believe how much she has changed comparing this photo to the others when she was about 2 months.

And here are some other pictures just for fun.  She really can out cute ANY of you bitches. heehee

We were having a little too much fun with iPhone's reversible camera and playing copycat.

The fun trompe l'oeil ballerina socks for me were a lovely surprise gift from my friend Ally of Shybiker. I realized my daughter had similar socks and of course had to get a picture. Wook at her tiny widdle feets!!

My lil love and me. She gets more and more wonderful each and every day!

Baby weight blues? Nah. Okay, sometimes.

First, a quick catch-up...a very belated Happy Holidays and Happy New Year from the Narcissisters to you now that it's January 12th. ;)

I love the first pic of KameraWhore so much...doesn't she look so 70s chic? The compact mirror was a gift from her daughter that reads: "Mirror, mirror, in my hand, I'm the fairest in the land." Does she know her mom or what?!

I got this vintage polyester dress for $15 from a thrift shop that's moving! SCORE! It's not maternity, it FITS me, and the waist is adjustable because it ties in the back. Don't know if you can tell, but the belt is lace. Only problem is - it's very hot being thick polyester. And you'll notice our family Christmas portrait there on the right. That's me (Bella), Renesmee, and Edward. haha NO, I did not name my daughter that, don't worry. But I couldn't resist, what with that pacifier and all. P.S. My awesome headband came from Garlands of Grace, an etsy shop I absolutely adore.

So if you haven't gathered this already, having a newborn pretty much takes over your life...in the best of ways! My little girl is 3 months old this week; I can hardly believe it. Sometimes I miss when she was so brand new and tiny. But now...now, you see, she SMILES and coos. She has always smiled, and not from gas or a reflex as people would like you to believe, but once the smiles became a more direct response, pitter-patter goes my heart. It's the best thing ever when her face breaks out into a huge grin just because I'm looking at her. It's like no other feeling in the world. My husband and I spend a lot of time pacing. She is a girl who likes to be on the move! Even while she's sleeping, she knows if we sit down and will sometimes wake up and start fussing...we stand up and start walking again, and she goes back to sleep. Sometimes I go to bed with my feet so sore, and sometimes it feels impossible to get anything done (like get dressed or brush my teeth), but you know, it's just not that big of a deal. I'd do anything for her. And it's getting easier over time. Frankly, I'm glad she wants to be held close so much. I want to be close to her as much as possible too.

How I look on an average day. Can't even see my shirt. lol
Thanks to some "mom blogs," I saved a ton of money on wraps by
buying T-shirt fabric on sale. You get about 5 yards, cut it down
the middle length-wise, and then you have two!

I obviously haven't had the time to blog like I used to, but I still think about TCN often and the purpose behind it. We sold a necklace a couple weeks ago, and even though we haven't sold that many, every time we mail one off, it makes me happy...we send it off with a wish that the recipient will feel better about herself because of it. I am human, and it's not like I have amazing self-confidence every single day. I work from home, so most days you won't find me in real clothes but pajamas. My hair will probably not be brushed but just stuffed in a quick ponytail, and I definitely won't have on makeup. I will probably choose my glasses in favor of contacts instead of purposefully wearing my glasses with certain outfits. I will definitely be wearing my baby wrap, whether my baby is even in it or not, because it's easier to leave it on when she suddenly decides she needs to be inside it. I don't think too much about my appearance or my weight then (and, actually, for a while, I thought I might never care a flip about how I looked again because everything seems so trivial compared to my daughter...but you do reach a point, hopefully, where you recognize you still need a "self" and not just a "mom self"). Going out, though, sometimes presents me with challenges. I dropped 20 pounds almost immediately after giving birth but have about 20 more before I get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Realistically, that weight is not gonna fall off quickly, nor should it if I'm being healthy about it. As they say, it takes you 9 months to put it on and potentially 9, or more, to get it off. Sometimes I want to exercise just for the feel-good factor of it, but it's hard to find the time, and plus, it means being away from my baby. I know at some point I will need to start taking more "me" time. But I'm not there yet. I love being with her too much. I do go places and walk with her sometimes, and good God, you'd think all the pacing around the house and yard would melt the pounds off :), but sometimes I miss the toning feel of the machines at Curves, where I've been a member for several years.

I usually shy away from talking about weight on this blog other than to express that you can and should feel good about yourself at any weight. Not in spite of your weight but embracing yourself and making the most of your unique body. I don't think it's wrong if you want to lose weight for the right reasons. But I don't think you should despise yourself as you wait to reach a certain number or jeans size. And I don't want to get caught up in "fat talk." Fat talk has rightly been the subject of several blogs over the last year or so, and it basically means what women do when they get together. You meet a friend for lunch, and she says, "Hey, you look great!" and instead of just saying thanks, you say, "You're crazy, look at this pooch hanging over my pants and the bags under my eyes." Then she says, "No, YOU look great; look at me. You're so much thinner than I am." And on it goes. We all do it. I do it when I'm not making a conscious effort not to. It's not healthy or beneficial, but it's what we do, for many reasons. I think it's partly a female bonding thing, sadly. But, like I said, I'm human. And sometimes the post-pregnancy weight can get to me. But, actually, it's not really the weight...

One day, I threw on some clothes and took my daughter on a stroll around some local shops. I was feeling pretty good until this girl walking behind me got tired of how slow I was walking and circled around me. When she got in front of me, I saw how cute and stylish she was...and, okay, small. I kind of hate myself for saying that. But I'm not going to try and present myself as some super-human with no issues to you guys; this blog is about being real. What it took me a while to realize it's not even the actual weight that bothers me...it's 1) the fact that my body looks different from before or during pregnancy and 2) I'm just tired of wearing maternity clothes and hate that I have a whole closet full stuff I can't fit into. I lost about 30 pounds a few years ago to get to a healthy weight, and I even had to adjust to that even though it was a loss, not a gain, because I looked different. I also struggled in the beginning of my pregnancy with how fast my body started changing and then toward the end just because I was so swollen. The point is, every time my body has changed, I've struggled to adjust to it, whether the weight has gone up or down. The only time I didn't was when my baby belly reached its fullest, because, get real, I looked awesome. heehee So I think it is more about the change than the weight for me. And after buying a couple thrift shop dresses and some basic cute things at Forever 21 with some Christmas money, when I actually have on mostly normal clothes - even though chances are you will still find me in maternity pants - and find a few minutes to put on some makeup, I feel good. Doesn't matter that the baby wraps cover up most of my clothing. I know what's under there. :)

My body changed to grow my baby. It may or may not ever go back to the way it used to look, even if I lose the 20 pounds. But as Kam told me, now I am the "new and improved me." Ultimately, I am proud of my body. It is powerful and strong. And as another new mom friend of mine and I have discussed, the extra belly really makes a useful shelf for holding the little ones. haha I got a new tattoo on the side of my belly in honor of my daughter, but I think it also honors the belly that changed to accommodate her so she could be housed so cozy for so long. 

An example of dressing for your body shape, not to be confused with being ashamed of it.
The empire waist and cardigan kind of help camouflage and shape my belly and hips,
and the bright colors are happy. These are the same maternity jeans you've seen me in before.

Am I expecting again?? lol Nope. That's just how my belly looks from the side by the end of the day.

Because I'm human, I usually pick out the most flatteringly angled pics to post.
This one is more representative.

Tell me something about your body that makes you proud. Pretty please? Even if it's something small. I want to know.

Wear a piece of self-love everywhere.

30% off all our handmade necklaces this month! Grab one or two for a friend, or better yet, for yourself! ;)


www.theclosetnarcissist.etsy.com

And while you're perusing etsy, you can snap up some cute winter gear (scarves, fingerless gloves, hats) at my other shop, www.juniperandclover.etsy.com, at newly discounted prices.

Happy shopping!!

And we hope to be back soon with some "real" blogging again soon! ;)

Confidence in Being a New Mom

You've probably read about my struggles with confidence before...you know the journey I was on to get to where I got. Well, let me assure you, nothing has ever tested my confidence level quite so much as being a mom!

I second-guess every decision I make. I constantly wonder am I good enough for what this perfect little baby deserves. I feel helpless and inadequate sometimes and wonder why the hell I ever thought I could be a mom. But then some days I feel like the best mom ever (besides my own) and rest in the knowledge that I will make mistakes but that she will be okay because no one will ever love her the way I love her. She's one month old already now, and we're still learning each other and figuring out our routines. Between a scare about her weight dropping too much at one point and breastfeeding challenges, I can really work myself into a frenzy of "mom guilt," feeling like I'm failing her. But, really, when I step back and look, I am doing a good job. All new moms go through a slightly crazy period the first two or three weeks after delivery. Your whole life has changed in an instant (or, in my case, after 39 hours of labor, lol), and not only that, but you suddenly have this tiny little person that you love so much you can hardly bear it. You feel pressures you never knew before and would do anything, anything, just to make them happy, healthy, and safe. I'm learning as I go, as all new moms do. Some days are filled with crying - mine, not hers! - because I'm so scared of everything. Others are calm and peaceful as I just hold her and watch her face because it's so lovely that I can't look away. It's up and down but all amazing. I've officially done the one thing in my life that I couldn't have lived without, and that in itself gives me confidence if I think about it. I can hardly believe she's here; every action I made my whole life has been leading up to her, and now, here she is. So many choices that I made in life were because I was thinking of my future daughter.

Whenever I start feeling really scared and overwhelmed, my husband reminds me of my pregnancy, labor, and delivery. It's definitely something I should mentally call upon any time I feel like I can't do something from now on. If I could do that, I can do anything! If you're interested in this sort of thing, here's the short version. I think I mentioned before that I was planning on a water birth and had taken a HypnoBirthing class. HypnoBirthing is self-hypnosis (essentially very deep relaxation) that centers around delivering your baby calmly and with as few interventions as possible. It goes on the premise that birth doesn't have to hurt like we are taught in our culture. We expect it to hurt, so it does because our bodies tense up, and the tension causes the pain and actually hinders the baby's progress coming out. I'd been practicing with the relaxation exercises almost daily for months, to the point where it became completely ingrained in me and I could get myself in that zone anytime. I wasn't scared about giving birth at all. I knew we would have a calm, relaxed labor and birth...and yes, I know, "calm" and "relaxed" are not typically words you hear to describe giving birth! But I can honestly say that's exactly how it was. Anyway, I was planning on an all-natural birth, and I almost got it. The first sign my labor had started was my water breaking. I started having contractions (called "surges" in HypnoBirthing, which sounds less scary!) not long after that and started playing the HypnoBirthing exercises on my iPhone. When the contractions were about a minute apart, my midwife asked me to come into the office to get checked out to make sure I wouldn't get admitted into the hospital too soon. I was 4 cm then, so we went ahead to the hospital. I was talking through my contractions. We all thought it would be a pretty fast labor...but baby girl had other plans. I labored in the shower, in the water birth tub, standing up leaning against a chair...I had no concept of how much time had passed, as I was completely in my zone of relaxation, and nothing could interrupt it. No one could even tell when I was having a contraction unless I held my hand up for them to be quiet during it.

Eventually, over 30 hours had passed, and she was very low but not getting any lower. My body started to give out; it was most comfortable at that point to labor standing up and rocking from side to side (I had to give up my water birth because her heart rate had increased enough to where there was a risk for infection), and my legs were shaking and could barely hold me up anymore. I had the incredible urge to bear down, but it wasn't accomplishing anything. I developed a slight fever, and at that point, we needed to help her out a little. I was 9.5 cm then and not in pain...I mean, I wouldn't say labor is the most comfortable thing I've ever done, but I can honestly say it was not painful. We made the decision to induce just a little and get an epidural - again, not for pain but because my body was completely worn out! When it was time to push my little one out, the epidural had worn off enough where I could feel almost everything. It took a lot of energy, and having the epidural had given me time to rest and try to recharge some. I continued using my HypnoBirthing techniques throughout. Just when I thought I had expended all my energy again, my husband said, "Your dream is about to come true!" and that gave me the last burst of energy I needed. And then, suddenly, there she was! They put her on my chest, and I can't even describe the feeling of looking into her face for the first time. I didn't get the natural birth I'd planned on, but I have no regrets. And if I can labor for that long with no drugs until the very end and keep myself absolutely calm and relaxed throughout, good God, I can do anything! And, I might add, any woman who has birthed a human being out of her body, whether she did it naturally, with drugs, or had a C-section, should feel like she can do anything in life as well! Carrying a baby for 40 weeks, give or take, and then giving birth is nothing short of an amazing feat no matter how you do it.

There's actually nothing special or different about me that enabled me to do it that way any more than anyone else; I'm not more brave. I just have knowledge and resolve going for me. And, okay, I admit I'm one of THE stubbornest people I know, and when I want something, there is absolutely no stopping me. But the ability to birth this way is not unique to me or anyone else...anyone can do it! I learned everything I could, made a decision, took the class and read the book, practiced the relaxation exercises regularly, and, most importantly, believed it's possible. I'm really happy with the way things went; it's our own unique birth story, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

So I'm now trying to regain that same sense of calm and confidence as a mom, and I'm getting there! I've started listening to HypnoParenting relaxation exercises and affirmations, and they really help me calm down when I'm freaking out. I had gotten so used to doing the HypnoBirthing exercises every day and then suddenly had nothing like it anymore, and as dramatic as it sounds, I really felt a big hole not having relaxation exercises anymore. HypnoBirthing principles can work for any situation in daily life, and the basic ideas are quite ingrained in me, but I needed something to listen to that was tailored to being a mom rather than birthin' a baby. I felt so different after listening to HypnoParenting. My whole perspective has shifted into something much more positive and less fearful. Some things in particular about it really stuck out to me. One is the part where she has you visualizing hugging and appreciating your inner little girl, which was powerful. It might sound a little cheesy at first, but it's quite healing. That was actually one part of a hypnotherapy session I had years ago that I had kind of forgotten about. It made me see myself the way my mom did, LOVEABLE and WORTHY. Seeing myself as a child, I could see myself similar to how I see my daughter...perfect and wonderful...and there's no reason I wouldn't still be that way now that I'm an adult. Besides, if something so perfect and wonderful came from me, I must be pretty darn awesome. :) Before having a baby, I was one of the most confident, self-assured gals I knew (well, most of the time, anyway), trying to show other girls how to be the same through this blog. But being a new mom has challenged every ounce of my confidence. Most of the calm and "centeredness" I'd had in pregnancy and labor went out the window when my baby cried. It just breaks your heart and takes a while to adjust to hearing it. I feel now like I'm on the right path towards gaining that confidence back, now not just confident as a woman but as a mama. I am deciding to stop doubting myself and chill out. Lately, I've seen some of my mom instincts paying off, even little things like stuff I bought before she was born that we are finding out we need now. It's reaffirming. I'm choosing to focus on the positive things I know I'm doing right and give myself the freedom to just do my best and remember that I don't want to teach her that making mistakes in life is a bad thing and does not make you "less than."

Even if you're not a mom or planning to be one soon, something you can take from this is that even when you've built up a healthy self-confidence level, sometimes things in your life might crop up that challenge it all over again, and that's okay. Just remember how you've drawn strength from within yourself in past situations, and above all, try to get yourself in a relaxed state of mind so that you can calm down and view the situation more objectively. That will help you to know what to do and have the confidence to do it and be your best you. And remember, everyone messes up from time to time. You can beat yourself up for it forever, or you can plunge on and do your best from that point forward.

Happy Halloween from the Narcissisters' offspring :)

Here we have KameraWhore's beautiful 11-year-old daughter, E-Bug, dressed up as a lion for Halloween (fabulous facepainting done by Kam)...she knows how to work the camera just like her mama. hehe Kam dropped her camera and broke it, by the way, and she feels like half herself right now! :(

And here's my beautiful new baby girl, J-Bug, dressed as the lil punkin she is!! Not quite 3 weeks old that day, and already she knows exactly where to look at the camera like her mama too! ;)

My baby girl is here!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

New belly pics - 38 weeks

KameraWhore (a/k/a Kam) came over today to take some belly pics of me. I'm 38 weeks along now (out of 40)! It was just what I needed, truly. I hate to say it, but I have been feeling so frumpy and puffy the last couple of weeks...I felt like I had lost my pregnancy glow and was just kind of down on myself. It happens to most women toward the end, I think, because you're so uncomfy. Except for the belly...I LOVE MY BELLY, and that never changed. :) When she first got here, I just didn't know if I'd like any of the pictures we'd end up taking (no reflection on her skills). But when I looked at the pictures she took, I realized it hadn't gone anywhere at all. I think I've only been feeling that way because of the swelling and the lack of clothes/shoes that fit anymore. But seeing the pictures makes me feel like the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world again. She's a very talented photographer in addition to being one of the best friends I could ever have. And regardless of how I feel about my appearance, nothing matters except that soon my baby daughter will be here in my arms.